Are You Upping the Average?
If you’re the sum total of the five people you spend the most time with, wouldn’t it stand to reason that you should be doing the same to them?
We’ve heard it all before: “You are the company you keep”, “If you want to know the character of a man, show me his friends”, and my favorite “You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with”. It’s a lesson that’s stood the test of time and often taught by parents to their children at a very young age, as it’s commonly accepted that your associations will predict your future. But my challenge to you is to flip the phrase around.
“You are the sum average of the five people you hang out with the most” is an inherently flawed. And here’s the reason why: It’s passive rather than active. By telling you that you are the sum average of five other people, it puts the onus on them to be better people, not on you to become a better person. It easily ladles the blame for someone’s personal shortcomings on those around them. Almost to say, “See! You’re inherently good. You were just hanging around bad people”. But here’s the real value of this saying. What about the converse?
If you are the sum average of the five people you hang out with the most, then it would stand to reason that you are also part of their own group of five people they hang out with the most. If you spend a major part of your time with them, by equal measure they are most likely doing the same with you. So here’s the real question:
Are you upping the average of those five people your friend is hanging out with?
Because every average has a low and a high. Are you in the top 40% of his or her friend group, trying to bring them up and serving as constant inspirations and reminders to be a better person? Inspiring them to keep improving your life, act with grace and kindness, and always see the whole picture? Or are you on the other side of the spectrum. Are you the one they turn to if they need their vice? When they wanna play video games all day, or when they want to smoke weed, or when they want to go joyriding around the neighborhood and just waste time.
Now keep in mind, everyone has these two classes of friends, especially when you’re younger. We have friends who bring out our base instincts, and we have friends who inspire us to do more. But you should always be mentally auditing your relationships. Which ones are building you up? Which ones are bringing you down and which ones are building you up?
We should always be looking to improve the quality and content of our friends. But you must first ask yourself, are you doing that some thing for them? This is the major lesson lost in this sage advice. Because if you’re constantly telling yourself that you’re you because of the friends you hang out with, it puts the onus on them to be better, not on you to improve yourself. Instead it gives people an easy out, eschewing true ownership for the sake of better friends. And by extension, the only reason why you’re not a better person is because there are no other better friends available. In the end, take ownership of your friendships. Ask yourself if you’re being the absolute best friend you can be. And if not, analyze to see who the best 40 or 20 percent of your friend group is and strive to emulate the qualities you admire.